As he was dying, Bob Lemond, my wife's manager, told me, "It's who you love that matters, not who loves you." You can't (at least, I can't) spend a week in the hospital with a brain injury without thinking about "things". I couldn't walk without falling, so what else was there to do? So, I thought. I doubt I discovered anything new, but I did go deeper into a lifetime of wondering what everything was all about, why I'm here, why you're here, what happens when we're not here, what do I want my final thought to be? My idea of Hell is when, at your last breath, you are bitter, angry, resentful, carrying a grudge with you as you fade to black and enter whatever eternity is. When I awakened in that hospital bed, I had no idea how I got there or what I was doing there. Something surely had happened, but what? I was told I could have died. "You didn't see yourself," my wife and children told me, "It was horrible" - a wake-up call, yes, but really one for me. I know I was late on the electric bill that month, but customer service couldn't have pulled this off in revenge. They have payment plans, for Pete's sake. I could not wrap my mind around what happened. I didn't believe it happened, could ever happen, To Me? Are you sure you've got the right guy? Wake up, boychik, it really really did. There were witnesses. I remember very little, hardly anything, and so I figured what could have happened? What could be so bad? Why am I on a stretcher being loaded onto an EMT truck? What I do remember, a snippet, I swear, was being in the emergency room with the neurosurgeon staring down. At me. She was tiny, wearing a white lab coat, and heels. I wouldn't lie. What the hell does it say about me when that's all I remember? My final thought is a cute neurosurgeon in heels? I need to do better than that. Much better.
Einstein claimed God was in the details. I thought about that and came to disagree. Nothing deep. I don't believe in any supernatural entity who keeps an eye on me. What I thought was,"Life is in the details." Look closely. Stay awhile. Inspect, examine, dawdle, wonder. My theory is if you stop and watch and wait and wonder, life is longer than when you rush through it. It goes by more slowly, and it's chock full. Take your time. Give yourself over. Examine the tiniest thing. Lose yourself. Yes, lose yourself. These things take time, and isn't that what we want? Time! "Be here now." Not my original idea at all. Many saints and sinners eons before me have said the same thing in their own way. Right this instant, out my window, I am watching summer turn to fall. Different bird songs. Pumpkins. Crisper air. What am I watching? Nothing changes except me. I slow down and search for color. It will be there whether it is now or not.
There are people I love, people I have loved, people I may come to love, people I will never love. Those are the ones I banish. Those who have loved me are fun to play with. I enjoyed myself with many of them. Sometimes I even enjoyed them a lot, but what stayed me as I lay in that hospital bed were the people I have truly, deeply loved. Not too many. A few. What would I have done without them? Who else would tolerate my quirks and foibles, my corny jokes, my mistakes? Who else would truly cheer my victories? No ulterior motive other than sharing the pleasure of life at that moment in time.
And I love and have loved each one. The beauty of it is that each love carries its own feelings. Every season is the same and new.
I don't want to look away. I want nothing more than to be here right this instant doing and seeing exactly what I'm doing and seeing.
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